Monthly Archives: June 2013

missing you

I didn’t want to fall in love with you. And in fact, I may just have a crush on you, b/c how can I really love you if I don’t really know you? It has been against all my good intentions that I fallen for you. I have been trying to ignore you. Then I tried to distract myself with someone, anyone, else. It has not worked.

I can feel all those other women, those groupies, waiting for you to notice them. I don’t want to be just another one of your groupies. I don’t want to just be waiting there in line with all of them. I can feel and see that metaphorical line – have always felt/seen it.

And you are very busy in your life, always traveling or taking a workshop – always going somewhere. I never go anywhere. I love my home and my life. It seems obvious to me that your passion is NOT a relationship – with me or anyone else. I feel so pathetic to have added myself to your line of women groupies.

Still, I want you to choose me over all those other groupies. I want you to pick me from out of the line, to come back and take my hand and bring me to the head of the queue and ask me to dance.  I want you to tell me I am different from all those other women in your groupie line. I want to be different from them. Sometimes I think I should do something so outrageous and daring that you will have to notice how unique I am. But I can only be myself; that’s all I’m really good at.

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the ‘biking’ part of biking

Today, while riding my bike home from downtown, a woman said, as she passed me, “You look very peaceful!” And in the proverbial split second, I realized it was true and said back to her, “I am that.” And it made my day to be perceived as ‘peaceful’ on a slow bike and not just ‘slow’ – my realization that I was/am actually peaceful is just a bonus. bikepink

When I ride my bike, I like to pretend I still live in Berlin (or anywhere else in Europe, for that matter), where riding a bike is not seen as a trendy, green, necessary way to get somewhere as quickly as possible, but rather as a pastime, a meditation, a real means of transportation. I don’t like to ride fast. I could be like all the other speedy bikers that pass me and get there fast, but I don’t want to ride fast. I want to enjoy the ride, the scenery. There’s a reason I choose the most beautiful, scenic route to work. There’s a reason I ride through the cemetery each morning, slowly, looking at the names on the tombstones, enjoying the peace and quiet. There’s a reason I don’t dress like an alien to ride my bike – the bike shorts, space-age helmet, wild, bright zipper bike shirt, weird bike shoes.

Everyone passes me – old ladies, children, guys on skateboards – b/c I was built for comfort and not speed and have only, in my several years of riding my bike to work as many days a year as I can, passed 4 people on my bike. I know it is only four people, b/c it so very rarely happens. Three of them were cruiser bikes and one young guy was pulling a very obviously heavy trailer. I pulled up next to him at the stop light to say hello, instead of lining up behind him like I’m supposed to. We exchanged “good mornings”. And then he asked if I wanted to race, that he thought that was the reason I pulled up next to him. He asked if I was planning on revving my engine, and he mimed the downward twist on his right bike grip – like a motorcycle accelerator. We laughed.

I am in really good shape. I work out in some form every day, b/c it heals me to do so – b/c it makes me happy. I could be like the other, type-A, American, have to get there as quickly as possible so I can then be stressed out there too, or have to pump as hard as possible to work off that extra piece of cake, people. I have the physical ability to go fast. I just don’t want to. I want to continue to enjoy my ride – enjoy the scenery, the air, the sunlight through the trees, the ‘biking’ part of biking.

staying in love

grace love hand bw
I have come to realize that I do better when I stay in Love – in love with life, myself, my body, the people around me, the situations that appear, the Earth. I do better when I just ignore those things that have had a historical tendency to take me out of love – whether it be a situation or the behavior/words of a person. I feel better when I just allow myself to fall in love with everyone and stay there, just trust that they are doing whatever they need to do too. I feel better and more like my authentic self when I just trust – myself, my body, everyone. I love that giddy, in-love feeling I have for all the sweeties in my life – and I classify almost everyone I interact with as a ‘sweetie’.

Now this doesn’t mean I’m gonna take any crap, though – a girl’s gotta have healthy boundaries – that’s how I love myself. I don’t have to LIKE someone to LOVE them. I don’t have to tolerate disrespect, and I don’t have to like everyone. But, for me, I DO have to love them.  And I get to be my own, unique self while I’m doing it, too – which means I get to be human and spiritual all at the same bloody time if I choose. And I get to say fuck as much as I want to, too, while I’m doing it, by god.

Have you ever confided in someone in what you thought was the appropriate level for where the relationship was, only to get something back from them that surprised you? It is my experience that when we confide in someone, it deepens the level of the relationship – if we both allow it. And we continue in this fashion until we have reached either complete transparency with each other or the deepest level we are both comfortable with. I recently confided in someone – at not a deep level, but the next level for us – and asked their opinion on an issue I was having. Instead of stepping into that space I had created with that slight dip down into intimacy and getting cozy, they came back with why I shouldn’t feel that way and why I needed to change my way of addressing the issue, change my language, be more like them.

Wow. It felt like I had been slapped in the face. It felt violent, even. It was via email, so okay, the written word can be interpreted very differently from the spoken, but really?

So I stepped back, mentally/emotionally, from it. And I began to do my usual self-cross examination. Only this time I remembered something a friend had recently said to me:  “Why do you make yourself wrong all the time, Grace? Let yourself be right some of the time.”  Wow again. So then I proceed to make the other person ‘wrong’ in their reply. I got angry, I blamed them for being uptight or self-righteous or just plain mean. Then I went back to more of my usual:  Was he angry at me or something? Did I do something to offend?  Am I just a judgy person, perhaps, and I should learn to be so forgiving as he that I didn’t need to rant sometimes, didn’t need to ask why someone could be a creep towards me?

Then I got to:  Maybe he is just not wanting any other level of ‘intimacy’ with me – or maybe with anyone. Or maybe he was just in a hurry, or in a weird mood, or maybe he really IS so much more spiritually evolved than me that he never labels anyone. Maybe he really does see the Light that people are every time and instead of putting them in a proverbial box, he confronts them and works it out – even with people he doesn’t even really know (as was the situation in my case). Okay. Or maybe he didn’t see that I was really just seeking his reassurance – along with that next, little slice of intimacy with him.

So in this entire process, I had gone from wanting to become friends and possibly let it fall easily into a romantic relationship over time to:  I have so little in common with this person, that I have absolutely NO business subjecting myself to the hassle of getting to know him – we are just not gonna happen – on any level, b/c we are so incompatible.

Then a really interesting thing started to happen for me:  I began to see, very clearly, that I didn’t have to base my love of anyone or anything on anything but what is inside of me, by my attitude towards it. My love or lack of love for someone had, really, nothing to do with them nor with their behavior or words. Okay, I know we all choose our thoughts. I’ve been carefully choosing and unchoosing my thoughts for years now – seeking out and breaking thought patterns/habits in myself. But this was different somehow. This went deeper – or came up from out of a deeper place, maybe? It is so very clear now.

I love my people. I define ‘my people’ as any and everyone that I interact with on a regular basis and love and have as companions and friends. I actually fall in love with them, one at a time, over time, as I get to know them. Men and women are the same for me:  I just fall in love with them. Or I don’t. There are some people that I know I don’t want to be around, and that’s okay with me. I just don’t spend time with them.

So in my analyzing him and his response and what I should do, if anything, and whether I’m a horrible person or not for feeling like I do/did, and should I do this or that proverbial thing to possibly ‘fix’ it, blah, blah, blah; it came to me that when I think of the fun we have had together, I am in love with him; when I think of his less than welcome response and what that might or might not say about him or what it might mean he might think of me or some other such self-loathing rant, I start thinking I shouldn’t be in love with him.  And further, when I allow myself to just feel like I’m in love with him, I am happy. When I start with the other, I get anxious and judgy – of myself, of him, of everyone.

So…

I began to realize that my happiness is tied to allowing myself to just be in love with everyone – all the time. Insert a BIG smile here, b/c I really love letting myself love everyone without condition. This came as SUCH a big revelation for me! How could I have NOT noticed this HUGE, fucking Truth, for me, until now?!?! I had spoken the words before now, but they never quite jelled or something – I was unable to live it, to be it.

And my happiness is also tied to trusting that everyone is simply doing whatever it is that they need to do – at all times. Everyone is absolutely doing the best they can at that moment with what they have to work with and where they are in their life – and in their day/ mood. I have told myself this for years, but now I GET it. I can just love and trust myself, my dance partner, my body (my body knows how to move in dance – in life – if I’ll let it, just allow it), my sweeties, everyone – all the time.

When I got there in the process, I paused.  Then I applied my years-old belief of:  I don’t have to like someone to love them. I don’t have to be near them, either. I can love them from a distance if their human behavior is too disruptive, or disrespectful, etc. I don’t tolerate disrespect, dysfunction, negative drama, etc. around me (believe me, I can create enough of my own shit without help from anyone :).

So where does this leave me?

I am in love with everyone and everything – and at the same time,

I am respecting and loving myself enough to only allow those who nourish me, feed my soul, make me laugh, cry with me, etc. to be around me.

I am supremely happy that I have come to realize that I do better when I stay in Love – in love with life, myself, my body, the people around me, the situations that appear, the Earth.

attraversiamo

attraversiamo

I am here now, finally,
in this body
weighty, heavy
slogging through this lovely thickness that
is Earth
feeling time and space push against
this new skin
like that hot, thick breeze of
Southern summer

with the responsibility, the finality,
the humanity and mortality

of this suit

I can feel the different delicate textures:

of bone – how solid but not – how porous and beautiful,
muscle – the tough stringy version, the softer tender ones
fat – how it likes to hold on to toxins
fascia – so strong and heroic
and
blood – the thick, liquid richness of it – like a fluid garden

I feel the body, itself, sigh and try to settle,
wiggle in on itself like
an excited child fidgeting.
I talk to each cell, encouraging each separately

but I am losing sense of space
can’t grasp distance or direction anymore
can’t orient myself upon this Sphere
b/c it is all happening right Here
and I keep getting confused
and then laugh at myself

like I also lost time
some ‘time’ ago
b/c it is all happening right Now

in which I start paying more attention to what’s all around me

Mother's Day flowers from my girlie - woot!

Mother’s Day flowers from my girlie – woot!

studying

studying

on the back deck. may 2013

on the back deck. may 2013

downtown. june 2013

downtown. june 2013

an office mate dubbed this lunch as:  a fresh lunch of compost and sweet potatoes :)

an office mate dubbed this lunch as: a fresh lunch of compost and sweet potatoes 🙂

out my morning bedroom window. june 2013

out my morning bedroom window. june 2013

Stormy - it's rough being a weenie dog around here. june 2013

Stormy – it’s rough being a weenie dog around here. june 2013

Sitting just out of the rain on the back deck. July 2013

Sitting just out of the rain on the back deck. July 2013

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creativity and weekend meet

Wow, had soooo much fun this past weekend! I did nothing and yet everything all at once – designed some stuff, made some stuff, did some laundry, laid around a bit and just let my mind drift. Don’t do that last one much, and I want to do it more, b/c it is like a super energy and creativity booster. Love the way I don’t really go to sleep while I am doing it, but at some point, I ‘wake up’ and look around and wonder where I was. 🙂

2013-06-16 10.56.33dogfudsack1

The biggest, most wonderful thing about this weekend? I began to tackle the guilt piling up in my pantry:  I designed and made some stuff out of the mounting issue of thick, plastic dog food bags I refuse to put in the trash b/c I feel too guilty about it. I used to send them to a momandpop business who made things out of them, but they decided they didn’t want that kind of bag anymore. So I’ve been piling them up – or trying – actually, they don’t stack so easily. Being slick, thick plastic and kind of formed, they tend to slide around and not want to stay piled up – another good reason to do something with them:  to keep them from raining down on me in the pantry every time I try and move things around in there on that top shelf.  I kept them with the idea that I would either find someone to take them or make something out of them.2013-06-16 11.31.432013-06-16 17.31.112013-06-16 11.33.26

So I came up with a few designs and spent a good part of the day making several different bags. 2013-06-16 17.33.34 2013-06-16 17.33.11

dandelion salad

dandelions
Now why is it, again, that we don’t like dandelions? They will grow anywhere with little to no water, they are beautiful, they make great ground cover, they reseed themselves like crazy and you can eat and/or make tea out of every part of the plant.
Because they are classified as a ‘noxious weed’, you say? Seems to me we need to be growing yards of dandelions on purpose and forget the grass that takes water, weeding, money, chemicals that leach into our water system, etc.