I have come to realize that I do better when I stay in Love – in love with life, myself, my body, the people around me, the situations that appear, the Earth. I do better when I just ignore those things that have had a historical tendency to take me out of love – whether it be a situation or the behavior/words of a person. I feel better when I just allow myself to fall in love with everyone and stay there, just trust that they are doing whatever they need to do too. I feel better and more like my authentic self when I just trust – myself, my body, everyone. I love that giddy, in-love feeling I have for all the sweeties in my life – and I classify almost everyone I interact with as a ‘sweetie’.
Now this doesn’t mean I’m gonna take any crap, though – a girl’s gotta have healthy boundaries – that’s how I love myself. I don’t have to LIKE someone to LOVE them. I don’t have to tolerate disrespect, and I don’t have to like everyone. But, for me, I DO have to love them. And I get to be my own, unique self while I’m doing it, too – which means I get to be human and spiritual all at the same bloody time if I choose. And I get to say fuck as much as I want to, too, while I’m doing it, by god.
Have you ever confided in someone in what you thought was the appropriate level for where the relationship was, only to get something back from them that surprised you? It is my experience that when we confide in someone, it deepens the level of the relationship – if we both allow it. And we continue in this fashion until we have reached either complete transparency with each other or the deepest level we are both comfortable with. I recently confided in someone – at not a deep level, but the next level for us – and asked their opinion on an issue I was having. Instead of stepping into that space I had created with that slight dip down into intimacy and getting cozy, they came back with why I shouldn’t feel that way and why I needed to change my way of addressing the issue, change my language, be more like them.
Wow. It felt like I had been slapped in the face. It felt violent, even. It was via email, so okay, the written word can be interpreted very differently from the spoken, but really?
So I stepped back, mentally/emotionally, from it. And I began to do my usual self-cross examination. Only this time I remembered something a friend had recently said to me: “Why do you make yourself wrong all the time, Grace? Let yourself be right some of the time.” Wow again. So then I proceed to make the other person ‘wrong’ in their reply. I got angry, I blamed them for being uptight or self-righteous or just plain mean. Then I went back to more of my usual: Was he angry at me or something? Did I do something to offend? Am I just a judgy person, perhaps, and I should learn to be so forgiving as he that I didn’t need to rant sometimes, didn’t need to ask why someone could be a creep towards me?
Then I got to: Maybe he is just not wanting any other level of ‘intimacy’ with me – or maybe with anyone. Or maybe he was just in a hurry, or in a weird mood, or maybe he really IS so much more spiritually evolved than me that he never labels anyone. Maybe he really does see the Light that people are every time and instead of putting them in a proverbial box, he confronts them and works it out – even with people he doesn’t even really know (as was the situation in my case). Okay. Or maybe he didn’t see that I was really just seeking his reassurance – along with that next, little slice of intimacy with him.
So in this entire process, I had gone from wanting to become friends and possibly let it fall easily into a romantic relationship over time to: I have so little in common with this person, that I have absolutely NO business subjecting myself to the hassle of getting to know him – we are just not gonna happen – on any level, b/c we are so incompatible.
Then a really interesting thing started to happen for me: I began to see, very clearly, that I didn’t have to base my love of anyone or anything on anything but what is inside of me, by my attitude towards it. My love or lack of love for someone had, really, nothing to do with them nor with their behavior or words. Okay, I know we all choose our thoughts. I’ve been carefully choosing and unchoosing my thoughts for years now – seeking out and breaking thought patterns/habits in myself. But this was different somehow. This went deeper – or came up from out of a deeper place, maybe? It is so very clear now.
I love my people. I define ‘my people’ as any and everyone that I interact with on a regular basis and love and have as companions and friends. I actually fall in love with them, one at a time, over time, as I get to know them. Men and women are the same for me: I just fall in love with them. Or I don’t. There are some people that I know I don’t want to be around, and that’s okay with me. I just don’t spend time with them.
So in my analyzing him and his response and what I should do, if anything, and whether I’m a horrible person or not for feeling like I do/did, and should I do this or that proverbial thing to possibly ‘fix’ it, blah, blah, blah; it came to me that when I think of the fun we have had together, I am in love with him; when I think of his less than welcome response and what that might or might not say about him or what it might mean he might think of me or some other such self-loathing rant, I start thinking I shouldn’t be in love with him. And further, when I allow myself to just feel like I’m in love with him, I am happy. When I start with the other, I get anxious and judgy – of myself, of him, of everyone.
I began to realize that my happiness is tied to allowing myself to just be in love with everyone – all the time. Insert a BIG smile here, b/c I really love letting myself love everyone without condition. This came as SUCH a big revelation for me! How could I have NOT noticed this HUGE, fucking Truth, for me, until now?!?! I had spoken the words before now, but they never quite jelled or something – I was unable to live it, to be it.
And my happiness is also tied to trusting that everyone is simply doing whatever it is that they need to do – at all times. Everyone is absolutely doing the best they can at that moment with what they have to work with and where they are in their life – and in their day/ mood. I have told myself this for years, but now I GET it. I can just love and trust myself, my dance partner, my body (my body knows how to move in dance – in life – if I’ll let it, just allow it), my sweeties, everyone – all the time.
When I got there in the process, I paused. Then I applied my years-old belief of: I don’t have to like someone to love them. I don’t have to be near them, either. I can love them from a distance if their human behavior is too disruptive, or disrespectful, etc. I don’t tolerate disrespect, dysfunction, negative drama, etc. around me (believe me, I can create enough of my own shit without help from anyone :).
So where does this leave me?
I am in love with everyone and everything – and at the same time,
I am respecting and loving myself enough to only allow those who nourish me, feed my soul, make me laugh, cry with me, etc. to be around me.
I am supremely happy that I have come to realize that I do better when I stay in Love – in love with life, myself, my body, the people around me, the situations that appear, the Earth.