Tag Archives: break ups

what I learned from a dating website scam—about myself, about men

I feel like I actually won, somehow, because while he got no money from me, I came out on the other end of a scam feeling empowered and richer.

I was recently scammed via a dating website. I won’t mention which one it was—mainly because it doesn’t matter. When I told close friends about the scam, many of them said it had also happened to them on various other dating websites—so the site itself is not the issue.scam2

I’m also not going to discuss any of the “red flags” I noticed during this experience but ignored for various, probably self-deceptive, reasons – because that would only give scammers ideas about how to improve the scam. But I am going to talk about what I learned.

Because I learned a lot.

There’s a lot of information circulating right now about Masculine and Feminine energy. Women are learning how focused and goal-oriented men are. And women are beginning to understand that this is a big turn-on. There is nothing so sexy as a focused, self-directed man who is going after what he wants – whether it’s a woman, that new job or the big, cosmic, spiritual goal of living his life with scam6integrity, purpose and clarity.

It is simply a massive turn-on to be around a man who is living for himself first and putting all other things second—including me. Steve Horsmon says it well in his GoodGuys2GreatMen blog post. “The truth is, a woman can not help but honor a man who first honors himself by having the integrity to stand for and live by his values.”

I was surprised and extremely relieved that within minutes of publishing my dating website profile, several men already wanted to connect with me. Sometime within the last two years, while I’d worked on my own issues, I had made a new rule for myself. I don’t initiate anything with men. They must make first contact. It was a good rule, trust me.

In those two years I had, once again, taken a serious look at my life, and I didn’t like what I saw. And I believed that if I didn’t like something about my life, I had the ability to change it. I had done it before. I was determined to do it again. I began by exploring and changing the only thing I have absolute power over: what I believe, think and say.

When I looked back at all my romantic relationships, I found that I was always the person to initiate the exchange. In fact, I was usually the person pushing frantically to make it happen. Consequently, I had always been in relationships with very passive men—which I then proceeded to bully into being more masculine. Gawd, I can’t tell you how very embarrassing that was to admit to myself!

I could see that I had always put myself in a self-protected, dominant “masculine” place on the masculine to feminine spectrum. From my research, I began to understand that Feminine and Masculine energies are always seeking polarization and balance. Like the poles on a magnet, like repels like and opposite poles attract. It was no wonder, then, that I had always attracted sensitive, passive, or even “feminine,” men.scam3

I began to pay attention to my own energy and beliefs associated with the masculine and feminine. When searching for why I was so resistant (and even hostile) to receiving men’s masculine gifts/energy, I had to go back to childhood. I realized it was not safe in my childhood to appear “weak” or “less than” by receiving help from anyone—especially from males.

My adult rejection of Masculine gifts was founded upon good reason (survivor of abuse), but had become a defensive, knee-jerk habit that no longer served me. I started by taking the emotional charge off the originating source. And yes, it was painful and difficult to look at and heal.

So having done my work—and still doing my work (lordy, does it ever end?), I was confident I was ready to let men, and the Universe, lead. I just wasn’t so sure how that would look.

I did still have moments of panic, when I wondered if I was truly ready and if I could live the lessons I’d learned or not—but mostly, I was excited to begin something totally new for me: the art of embodying the Divine Feminine and of allowing. After many months of research and healing, I certainly needed the practice of walking around in my new, allowing skin, so I stepped carefully and introspectively into this dating website. I occasionally freaked-out a bit and thought of removing my profile, but I ignored that sensation every time it came up, rallied and kept moving forward.

I let men initiate every connection I made on the dating site. So when one of the men suggested he call me and email me instead of using the site’s messaging system, I liked that he was taking charge of the situation and moving things forward. I agreed and gave him my phone number and email address.

His energy during our first phone call was obvious. I liked it. It was focused, direct. I could tell he had a mission. The mission seemed clear to me. I like this woman. Get to know this woman. During the next few days, he asked direct questions, he expressed interest in me and my life, we laughed a lot together. We were soon talking twice a day, in the morning to start our day and in the evening, before going to sleep. We were also emailing often.

scam1I woke up every morning, remembered and smiled. I could feel my heart sigh happily, expanded and relaxed, felt it stretch inside my chest like a big fat tabby cat with a full belly and nowhere to go. I languished. I turned to greet the sun each morning warming the bed through the window and imagined seeing his sleeping form beside me. I imaged waking him gently and slowly with kisses that would start on the back of his broad neck (he had sent photos of a man—some included a son—another scam victim?). I’d work my way up to his ear and then pull myself up and over him, so that I’d be lying in front of him, still kissing him easily—on the eyelids, the nose…

He would grumble, then smile as he came back up from the deep and pull me closer with a sleepy laugh. I craved that familiarity with him, that habit and ease of intimacy. Every sunrise, upon waking, I was hopeful and happy and imaged some form of this perfect morning. But he wasn’t there yet, and I liked that too, liked the thick anticipation of it. I didn’t want him there too soon.

I loved the feeling of walking around every day knowing we were falling in love with each other as we talked on the phone and emailed each other. I felt like we were becoming a team, and I loved the feeling of him having my back, of having someone who adored me. I felt safer in the world, knowing we were coming together as a couple. With these feelings growing inside me, I walked taller every day—stood up straighter, felt powerful, safe and almost smug in his warm regard.

I felt important to him. I felt his masculine, goal-focused energy directed at me, at wooing me. It felt heavenly. I had never felt energy this intense from a man. Partly, I’m sure, because I had never allowed it. Before this, I had made everything happen—not allowing the man to direct anything.scam4

In hindsight, I know the reason that his energy was so intense was because this was how this man made his living.

Men, being men, are often very focused on their career and making money. One of the ways they show love for their woman and family is to make money. This is one of the masculine gifts they bring to the world. The intensity of that focus on career/job is primal, I think, for men. It is one of the strongest urges he has. The scammer took that directed, intense, masculine energy normally reserved for focusing on a career, because wooing women was his career, and focused that energy on me.

scam5He was confident in his abilities, as odious as they were. It must have worked for him before, because I could feel that confidence. I’m not saying I support him or scams. I think it’s petty, deceptive and sociopathic to even attempt to prey on anyone in this manner.

The point I’m making is this: It felt pretty fucking amazing to be the focal point of that type of intense, masculine energy normally reserved for a man’s career. It was like a highly addictive drug that I couldn’t get enough of, for fuck’s sake.

Gentlemen, I have just handed you the keys to the proverbial female kingdom. Lock and load your first 20-round magazine and fire at will. 🙂

Information Men can take away from this Experience

Take that unbelievably amazing, goal-driven, concentrated masculine energy that you usually reserve for making a living and a career and focus it on your woman once in a while. We don’t want you to give up yourself and your life for us—that is extremely unattractive, and we will lose respect for you if you do that. But we do want, on a regular basis, to feel that we are, in that moment (or those twenty minutes), the single most important thing to you.

I’m talking about the concentration and focus that you point at work, your career—that primal energy of survival, because that’s where your next meal is coming from. Focus on us like you do it for a living, like your life depends on it. We can feel the difference.

As women, we understand the courage it takes to be that vulnerable. We have a deep respect for that—especially when it comes from a man.love blue

You become our hero when you do this for us. Because you care enough to really pay attention and then act on it. You know the perfect time to call us, how to touch us, when to tease us and when not to—all because you took that how-can-I-win-this-contract way of thinking and applied it to your wooing of us and turned it into the how-can-I-win-and-keep-her-heart-and-respect way of thinking.

Please lead the way for us, with your strong, directed masculine energy. Because when you offer that to us, it creates a safe place for us inside the protection of your love, your attention. It frees us to be able to do the same for you.

We women, with our seemingly scary, out of control, multi-tasking brains, will know you really see us and hear us when we turn off the hundreds of simultaneous thoughts, when we put down the phone, close the laptop, stop talking, etc., to concentrate on you and give you our undivided attention and vulnerability, when we genuinely open to you.

And when that shared focus becomes a wonderful habit, something that is a part of the normal, everyday way we love and live together? Dude, you have just become a girl’s dream come true right there.

What I am Taking Away from this Experience for Me

I learned that I really can embody Feminine energy. I was able to be the new, feminine person I wanted to be. I learned that I am able to keep my heart open during a budding relationship. At no time during the experience did I become defensive or reactive. I was just relaxed and allowing. I let him direct himself. I directed myself—powerfully and softly.

godess blueAnd while I felt disappointed as soon as the proverbial rug was pulled out from underneath me (which really felt more like a magic carpet ride, in this case), I never felt like I had done anything wrong or stupid. I still have not felt any shame. Because the only thing I was “guilty” of was being authentic, open and vulnerable.

I got to feel what I’ve always been missing and craving without even knowing I had been missing and craving it: to be the occasional, appropriate, single, determined focus of a man’s goal-oriented attention.

The experience gave me an example of how intense that focused, masculine energy could be—and how important and cherished it made me feel to be the recipient of that, how it filled me up to feel that coming from him. I was his goal. It felt stunning. For the first time in my life, I felt that with a confident man’s support and love, I could meet him there and support and love him too—in the healthy, adult, juicy, wild, authentic and close-to-the-bone way I have always wanted to be able to love. scam.8

I feel like I actually won, somehow, because while he got no money from me, I came out on the other end of a scam feeling empowered and richer.

The story continues here with:  The first phone conversation, or the fine art of penis thrusting.

Also published by The Elephant Journal

Advertisements

after that first time when we decided

after that first time when we decided
not to be lovers anymore
and you were here again
as friend
and we were pretending to be okay with it
or at least I was pretending to be okay with it
maybe you really WERE okay with it

my pain was larger than myself
spreading all around me
staining
like ink growing fingers
I sat and watched it spread

I tried not to show it
hell
I tried not to FEEL it
didn’t WANT to feel it

So I sat there bleeding at the kitchen table looking
at the back of your broad neck
the way your hair curled up and around against your neck
listening to the sound of you talking
hearing the music of you
but not what was said, really
while all the time thinking I’d just like to be close enough to
breathe you in
but of course
that wasn’t allowed anymore

I can still conjure your smell on cue

And then, with your back still to me, you said ‘where’s the bread knife?’
so familiar in my kitchen
in my pain
that my heart almost stopped with this proverbial added injury
this informality of habit
this habit of intimacy

why is okay for you still to know where my bread knife lives
but I’m not allowed to stand close enough to smell you

that clean
smooth as a riverstone
sandalwood smell of you?

And I thought
There is no way I can do this
Do I have anything left inside me to be able to do this?

I thought about all the food in my kitchen we had made together and eaten
the way we had laughed
sitting at the table
the way the light came through the
glass door onto the kitchen floor
stretching over and onto the table in the summer evenings
changing with the seasons
changing the flavors of the room
changing each meal

I thought of the way you loved
my homemade black beans
I loved your obsession with all things bagel

the time the avocado wasn’t ripe enough
but we didn’t realize it until it was too late
until it was already cut
what to do with unripe
cut slices of avocado?
avocado crayons
you christened them
‘You even TALK in poem,’ I laughed at you
always thinking you weren’t a poet
like you were somehow lacking
some title or something
some validation
from someone
whom?
to tell you you were a poet

the time when we were out shopping
and we had that pretend fight about bread knives

I wondered if you were thinking about it too
standing there at my kitchen sink

about how we tried not to laugh as we argued over
what type of knife was best
you said, “Why do you NEED a bread knife anyway, you don’t bake bread.
Do you even cook?”

I pretended to be offended
and said too loudly (like I sometimes do when I’m happy)
so that everyone turned to look at us
“You are one to talk, mister! Just because you think it’s okay at your house to pass the
baget around the table and have everyone bite off a hunk, doesn’t mean that
I’M okay with that!”

and about how at one point
we actually DID bake
a couple of loaves of bread together
from scratch

about how I had to wait for those
nasty rug burns to heal on L2, 3 and mostly 4
before I could go to the chiropractor
b/c I was too embarrassed for the doctor to see them
and I would have had to make up some stupid answer
to his questions
and I’m not really that good at lying

I would have ended up telling him
what really happened
which would then have necessitated
finding a new chiropractor
who, of course, would have
ask me why I was changing chiropractors
which would of taken
me right back to square one

and I really NEEDED to see
the chiropractor after that

so I waited
with you marking the progress of those scabs
laughing gently at my embarrassment
kissing them sweetly each time
to hurry them along

about how that one time you cut your palm
slicing through a bagel with
that very same sharp bread knife
the adrenaline
the emergency room
the stitches
me making fun of you after we got back home
‘Well, without that right thumb (you are left-handed), a bread knife’s no good to you anymore anyway.’

it is too surreal to me
how after just a few little words
nothing is the same
how we’re not even in the same book anymore
much less on the same page

that day you told me we couldn’t be lovers anymore
I came in and kissed you hello and went to the bathroom
I didn’t close the bathroom door
because those words hadn’t yet been spoken
five minutes later neither was allowed to see the other naked anymore

I felt really stupid afterwards that I hadn’t closed the bathroom door
but how was I supposed to know?

and then it wasn’t okay to stand close to you anymore
even though we had kissed hello just 5 minutes ago when I came in your house

And really, would it have been too much to ask that you could have told me BEFORE
I went to the bathroom?
Or when you saw me heading to the bathroom?
so strange
the difference 5 minutes can make

and then I remembered that you were waiting for my answer
standing there at my kitchen sink

Where IS the bread knife?

so I brought myself back down into that pain that was my body
looked up in time to see that
impatient
disgusted
I’m-waiting-for-you-to-answer-me look on your face
that you know I hate
and said

‘I think it’s in the dish washer.’