I wait

it looks hopeless from here
it feels closed

sometimes I see a faint
glimmer under the door
but mostly it is dark
with some blueblack
and thick

I wait

this is taking me all the way back
to places I don’t even remember
because those places were not mine
but apparently they
still live in here in some form

I am trying to just ride it out
want to honor the process
and not rush
want to be really done when I’m done
complete
want to know no proverbial stone
was left unturned
as we reach those nice heavy stones
at the bottom of all of this mess
like foundation rocks on the stream bed

the water has been mucked
stirring and shifting
the moving about of the rocks
and the morass covering them
has muddied the water
I can’t see anything
can only feel my way ’round
with my heart’s hands
bumping into old places
ideas
only to yelp and jump back again

but mostly I am tired
and want to just sleep the long sleep
the sleep of notknowing
but I know that sleep doesn’t
really even exist
I know death
have been there and back
there’s more restive than rest about it

time has become unmanageable now
unruly
almost cheeky
it even flows backward
sometimes
I think
just to see if I’m tracking
and I am not
cannot

the water must clear again at some point
mustn’t it?

I wait