after the funeral

tombstone2In response to my last, I want to be kind, my alter-ego writes:

I do NOT want to be kind
fuck kind
kind can yudu na hooey
I want to be inconsolable
irrational
throw some expensive stuff
make some noise
stomp some toes
split some wigs
yell obscenities

I want to laugh nervously
and loudly
like the villain-ess
in the movies
and then catch your
discomfort and fear in my hand
as it comes flying off you
take a bite and then
smear it back in your face
while I laugh again

no apologies
not even in my head
no whatifIgetintroubleforthis
allowed

I want to rip the bandaid
off your dirty
stinking
festering
complacency
and lick it
before flinging it at
some innocent
surprised
horrified
passer-by

I want to snarl
with feral eyes
and snap my teeth
bite
the hand that tries
to feed me
tame me
I won’t be tamed
domesticated
yoked

I do not want to be kind
forgiving

I will raise
summon
the dead
as my companions
wear them as my cloak
they will swirl around and ahead of me
a warning cloud of regret
and sadness
a harbinger
clearing the way
scattering leaves
souls
bodies
in my path

I will sit right down
into my vicious
close to the bone
naked
wild-haired
sacred
dysfunctional
karma-scarred
magical
ugly
feral
beautiful

Self

and discuss important things
with the elements

“Of shoes–and ships–and sealing-wax–
Of cabbages–and kings–
And why the sea is boiling hot–
And whether pigs have wings.”

command the tempest
invite Gaia too
no one will dare
to approach uninvited
watching from behind hidden
distance
hoping I don’t notice
them

I do not want to be kind

I want to lap
up your fear
your lust
your slick arrogance
your greed
the distrust I can feel in you
and swallow it down
nourished
and sustained
replete
then I want to shit it out
feed it back to you

I want to stretch
so tall
and broad
as to darken the Earth
in my rage
my discomfort
my dis-ease
rain down my regrets
into your hair
tributaries to your tears
the lightening splitting
me open
to you

I want to bash
against the door
of your hate
your intolerance
your indifference
your fear
so endlessly
so mercilessly
that you are forced to finally
expose yourself to me
until you have
to answer and come out
to be accounted for

to face me
to look into my eyes

I do not want to be kind

Also published at elephant journal as After You Died

Grace is a Certified Hypnotherapist and Registered Psychotherapist in Ft. Collins, CO, USA. She sees clients and facilitates Divine gracethanx2013.3Feminine Hypnotherapy workshops for women. She’s a flaming, Earth-loving, tree-hugging, save-the-Planet, believes-in-faeries, bike-riding, card-carrying, spiritual but not religious, hippie cowgirl liberal poet—yep, they do exist. She writes for The Scarlet Orchid and elephant journal. You can find her blog here and her creations here. You can also connect with her on Facebook and Twitter.

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